Friday, February 1
Two things will happen tonight before I go to sleep. I will end up vomiting or crying myself to sleep. Its a sad state of affairs. What happened, you ask? Nothing, really. Nothing I can put my finger on. I am just so unhappy and yet so excited I don't know what to do. You see, I am moving into my new place tomorrow, well, I guess it's actually today. Anyway, everything is going to be new. My father, stepmother and I all decided to start over. I am also slowly working with my grandparents to make everything better. Plus I am going to see my mom this weekend so that we can work things out. All in all, I believe I shall soon be at peace with my entire family...The only thing left is my boyfriend. You see, Kevin and I haven't been doing too well, he's messing up his life and he's having too much "fun" that he doesn't even see it. He's hurting himself so badly and I don't know how to help him, if I even am able to...I just want my Kevin back, you see, we broke up, but he said he would change, that we would be ok, but that he wanted another chance...so, I gave it to him and he's messing up again...I don't want to lose him though, because I honestly do love him with everything that I am...but I cannot sit by idly and watch him mess his entire life up. So, what's a girl to do? I don't know...in some aspects I feel it's not my responsibility to worry about him, but he is my boyfriend doesn't that give me the right to help him. I fear also that if I do tell his grandmother he will never forgive me, but isn't him hating me better than him fucking up all that he is? I love him so much that I fear he's putting his life in danger I want to help, but it's impossible to help someone who doesn't want to be helped...isn't it? I feel like his mother…I just want someone who loves me, someone who cares about me…I know Kevin does…but I don’t feel it. He doesn’t show it, I just need someone that’s a boy to answer some of my questions, but my male friends don’t know…to them a relationship is what they think they had last night when they had that one night stand…yeah, not getting a whole lot from them I am sure! Anyone out there smart enough to get it and maybe explain to me? Last night I talked to Nick, (Kevin’s best friend that he’s been with almost every night) and he really helped, he told me what he thought and I am sure what he and Kevin had discussed…He helped me understand Kevin’s side of it all…see, if Kevin could do that, just open up to me, talk to me once in awhile, help me understand what’s going on with him, we wouldn’t be where we are…we’d be happy together and probably understand what is going on…Well, wish me luck, we’ll figure out for sure what’s going on Tuesday. Have a wonderful day! I know I will. NEW LIFE HERE I COME!!! WOOHOO!!!
Thursday, January 17
I JUST WANT HELP!! You people always have smart ass comments to make and for the first time ever, no one is saying anything...WHY??? Kevin says he loves me...Well, here...I'll let you read for yourself! Kodey813: i love you AndiRayRayB: are you sure? Kodey813: yes AndiRayRayB: enough to make time for me? Kodey813: yes AndiRayRayB: Will you tell me then, why it is that you acted like it didn't even matter to you that we broke up? Kodey813: i was angry AndiRayRayB: because? Kodey813: you call me too much AndiRayRayB: Why couldn't you have just told me that then instead of treating me like shit? Kodey813: i dunno AndiRayRayB: So, what do you want to do then? Kodey813: be your best friend for now i think Kodey813: well besides rachel Kodey813: and whoever else AndiRayRayB: I am sorry Kevin...but I don't know if that is possible for me to do... AndiRayRayB: I love you too much... AndiRayRayB: I can't just forget my love, or pretend that it's not there... AndiRayRayB: I am not that girl... AndiRayRayB: I can try, but I can't garentee that I am going to be able to do that.. AndiRayRayB: so... AndiRayRayB: So, may I ask what you think is going to happen? Kodey813: i dunno AndiRayRayB: Well, I know you have a brain...so maybe you could think about it and then tell me something that will apeas me at least a bit... Kodey813: thats too much work AndiRayRayB: Yeah, you love me... AndiRayRayB: Why is that Kevin? Why do you love me? What is it that you love about me? He wouldn't talk to me after that...I guess I am a bitch...why can't I stop it? I need to learn to be nicer I think...Next task for this year!
I can't take this...I miss him so much...I haven't eaten and I have slept very little if at all since we broke up...I can't even begin to describe to you the emptiness that resides inside my heart...I just want him to be here with me, holding me, and loving me once again...I miss him...I love him...will this endless painful cycle ever end? I wish it would..........
Wednesday, January 16
I love Kevin, I love him so much...each moment I am away from him it hurts me...and yet, he shows no emotion about it...I am ending our relationship and he doesn't give a damn..................What does that mean? Who is like that? Even Jeromie, who was with me for sex only showed some sort of emotion and caring when we broke up...but Kevin shows no sign...I asked if he would go out with me on Friday so we could talk and he told me he had to get his hair cut and go to the bank...can you believe that? He postponed me for the bank... I've never hurt this badly...I went out on a date type thing tonight with...an old boyfriend that has now become a great friend...I felt so bad...I just kept wishing that he were Kevin instead...he told me to ask Kevin to go to this movie with him...he said I would know if he truly cared due to his answer...I asked Kevin and he said, I am probably working and if I am not, I am sure I'll be busy...so, I guess that says it all...he doesn't care................ I wish he did, I wish he loved me, I wish that he would just show a sign of at least being sad, angry, joyous at least then I would know I meant something and wasn't just a blob in his world that meant nothing to him...Why is it me? Why do I always fall in love with the ones that don't love me back...like the boy I was with tonight...lets call him.................Fred.........yeah... When Fred and I were dating he went to school out of state...so we decided to break up...I was alone for Valentines day and he knew it...So, do you know what he did? He sent me a dozen roses...And he had his best friend come over to my house telling me Fred had left a present for me, but I had to get it myself out of the trunk...when I opened the trunk...there he was with a single red rose...he told me he loved me...I have yet to return the words...that was the sweetest thing anyone has ever done for me...He flew back home for a single day simply to see me on Valentines Day, so I wouldn't be alone...and we weren't even dating. The rest of the evening we laid together...cuddling...talking...and he read love poetry to me...we didn't have sex that night, he didn't even try...we have yet to have ever had sex and you know why? I didn't I asked him and he told me..."Because you mean more to me than sex, spending time with you, just holding you, looking in your eyes, that's enough, in fact, I don't think I could handle being so close to you that I were actually inside you, it would be too much..." From another guy, it would be a line, from him it's the truth...I wish I loved him like he loves me...but I don't...I love Kevin like that...too bad, I am nothing to Kevin... I wrote this for him...and I am giving it to him with is things...is that ok for me to do??? Somebody misses your laughter, Reassuring, kind, and sincere, The touch of your hand, The sound of your voice, The comfort of knowing You’re near… Somebody misses the magic Of the wonderful things that you do, The secrets you hold, The dreams you reveal, The way you make wishes come true… Somebody waits for tomorrow, Another day closer to when The hoping is ended, The wishing is over, And somebody holds you once again… Somebody loves you And that somebody is me… Kevin Joshua Larson, I love you With my whole heart And my whole being…
Tuesday, January 15
Last night was the first night; since I got puppy (the big stuffed animal that Kevin gave me for Christmas) that I didn’t sleep with either him or Kevin. It was sad. Don’t over estimate me either though, I did still sleep in his pajama pants and shirt…I just had to make that first little step…baby step, baby steps. I hadn’t even been “broken up” with Kevin for 2 hours and already I had begun missing him and our relationship. I love Kevin…I honestly do, but I need attention, I need to not question whether or not I am thought about or whatever else. But most of all, I need to know that I am loved…I know that Kevin cares about me…but love? That is a huge request to ask of a boy who is only 18 and hasn’t ever had a long-term relationship. I still remember on our one month anniversary Kevin saying to me…you are a lucky girl, I’ve never dated anyone for this long. I want to be with him so badly…but I just don’t think it is the right time now, maybe not ever…or maybe I am over reacting…maybe I am being stupid and I need to realize that he works and he needs money and that is what is important to him…but shouldn’t I be more important than money? Shouldn’t he come first, then his family, then me, and after that all worldly possessions? I don’t understand…I just want love, I just want to be cared about…why does God lay all this bad shit out on me at one time…I mean, couldn’t he have my family and my boyfriend fuck with my emotions at different times? How wrong is it of him to make me deal with all this bull shit from all the ones I love all at once? I understand that I am strong and I have dealt with all of this before…but cut me some slack here…I deserve a break once in awhile too! I want to be happy sometimes…why don’t I ever get to be happy? So, anyway here’s the story, I don’t know for sure whether or not Kevin and I broke up last night, but I think we did. I told him that I needed more from a relationship, that I didn’t want to feel neglected and he told me…of all the things he could have said he actually had the balls to say, “Well, that’s your problem not mine…some thing you’re going to have to learn to deal with I guess.” No, not a well, honey, lets talk about it, or and explanation or anything, just a that’s your fucking problem…Oh my…what an ass…So, I tried to talk about it, but he really wouldn’t then he says to me…You know I do, I don’t care what you do, but I am not doing this…………………………………Then he hung up…Yeah, I love you too honey…
Monday, January 14
Do you know what the word I love you means? Have you read the poems, books, seen the plays that explain it... Well, I have, I've seen it all, read it all, even memorized a lot of it... But, now, now that I have felt love, now that I know what it truly is... I never could have done enough to be ready for the true feeling of love. To understand the feeling that my heart gives off, To speak of the unmentionable joy that accompanies this love. Never could I have griped the amount of fullness that one feels... But I can explain to you this: Kevin I love you so much that I get confused, feel as though I am lost. I need to know that you honestly love me. I need to know that I am not just an easy way for you to get sex. I need to know that I matter, that you care, I need to know. Is this a real relationship or am I just your toy... A monkey that you watch jumping on the bed... as you slowly walk the monkey closer to the edge... just waiting for that moment... When the bed underneath the monkey is gone... then you watch the monkey fall, with a slight smirk on your lips. Do you love me? That is what I need to know. Because if you tell me you do, I want to be with you so badly... But if you don't...why are you letting me waste my time here? Why? I just need to know... I need to know your feelings... I need your honesty...please... I need to know... It means more to me then you will ever know...so please, just tell me the truth! Thanks... Love Always and Forever~ Andria
I had the strangest dream last night. It was weird...everyone of my ex-boyfriends were in it. Each of them would come...in the same order that I dated them. We would spend like a day and night together...we would live our day as though we had always been together...you know if we had sex we would do that at the normal time that we did when we were dating...kiss constantly...hold hands...everything...and towards the end of our "day" the boy would say, "Andria, I love you, I love you because..." Each one saying something different. Now, I was very confused by this...but I think I figured it out! I think it has to deal with my insecurities with Kevin. I wonder if he loves me frequently and ask him...but he never gives me a reason! I knew that every other person loved me, yet I question Kevin. This dream was my minds way of telling me, "ANDRIA WAKE THE FUCK UP! BOY DOESN'T LOVE YOU...MAYBE HE NEVER WILL, BUT FOR SURE HE DOESN'T LOVE YOU NOW...GET A CLUE!" So, what do I do know? Which way do I turn...give him time with me...or with out me?
I have crossed that line…you know, the one between normal sadness/depression to the deep/not so normal depression. I hate life…I hate my family. I don’t want to be alive anymore. I don’t want to be a slave to my family simply because I am living with them. I’d rather die. I am trying so hard to move out…but do you realize how hard it is to find anywhere to live for what I can afford? Extremely! My father is also trying to help me find somewhere and although I know he is trying to help…I don’t know what it is, but he stresses me out…he tries too hard and treats me as though I am a child which yes I am his child but I don’t need to be treated as if I were born yesterday. As if this isn’t all enough, yeah, there’s more! Kevin, you know, my lovely boyfriend. He got a new job; which is cool and all…but he works so much and I feel as though I don’t matter to him. I am so sad and I just want some one to talk to, but whenever I call him, he doesn’t want to talk…granted he can stay awake and talk to his grandma’s friends, but his girlfriend…NO WAY! I just feel so neglected by him…and as if this isn’t bad enough…there’s more… See, a little while ago, I left him a message and I wanted to know if he had gotten it…so knowing his code I checked to see…well, he had a few messages on the thing…so I thought I’d listen being that I had just left the message to see if he had gotten mine…Now, at the time I didn’t think anything of this…now, I realize it was way wrong and I am sorry for this and do plan on telling him! Well, anyway, instead of hearing my voice I heard some other girls and well, it’s pretty much since then that I have begun to suspect that maybe he’s with her and not working. Like…last night I talked to him at 12:00 in the middle of our conversation, I hear a girls voice then suddenly he said he had to go he had stuff he had to do while he was waiting to go home…mind you he had earlier told me he had done everything…Then, I find out he told his grandmother that he worked till 7:00 am. So, what am I to believe? I know that I have to tell him…I have been trying to tell him that I listened to his message…but I haven’t had the chance. I want so badly to believe that this is all just a figment of my imagination…but I can’t do that…not till I talk to him and at the rate this is all going that wont be for months. So here I am…lost, confused, sad, and unwilling to deal with any of it. I hate life right now and even more than that I hate me. I just want to be done with this all…Thanks for listening…got any advice? Talk to me…you know where to find me…~Andria
Saturday, January 12
First of all, I am sorry that it has been so long. I've been buisy working, trying to stay out of trouble, spending time with my daddy and his brand spankin' new baby (Amelia Rose...8.3lbs born Dec. 20th) and of course that beautiful boytoy of mine in Canada...so please forgive me and I am sorry this is so short, but it's all I have time for right now...sorry! I don’t know what it is that I am thinking…Kevin is wonderful. I love him so much…but differently, it’s not the same love that I have ever had for anyone else. It feels different. Lately, ever since we got back from Canada and he got his new job, I feel unimportant, not needed, mainly just forgotten about. I mean, he promises me things and yet never does them, he tells me he loves me yet doesn’t take my feelings into consideration. I have been incredibly depressed lately and I don’t think he cares. Last night, I cried myself to sleep while babysitting my little cousin Nick; I was frequently running into the bathroom in tears. Why? I don’t know, I feel so unloved, I feel alone, as if no one cares about me, like I am ugly and fat. I feel as though I should simply sit in a dark small room to die alone in misery. I mean, I am not suicidal; I don’t plan on hurting myself, which is odd. I have always cut myself when sad, but I don’t want to. I just want to sit alone, with out people, nourishment, anything, I just want to be alone and suffer, suffer like so many others have then, when the agony is so great I shall just…die I guess. Now, don’t get me wrong, this is not my plea for help or my way of telling you that I am going to die or that I truly want to, this is just how I feel now. I am so sad, so hurt, so much in pain and I don’t know why I don’t know what is going on…I don’t know anything. I feel lost, but that’s not the real problem, the problem is that I feel unloved! I have so many people around me and everyone of them tells me that they love me and I know that they do, but why? Why do they love me? Because they have to, because it’s written you have to love your family. See, Kevin and his Grandma, they don’t have to love me, but they do they just care about me. I know they do, I don’t even question it one bit, I just know it! But you know what is best of all about it all…They don’t have to love me. They don’t need to love me, they just do…just because I am me and they love that! They love who I am, not what I can do for them and not that they are suppose to love me, they just do…and I love them back! Oh…by the way, I had the most wonderful time in Canada with him and his family…minus two particular people, but they made most peoples trip a bit rough! GUESS WHAT! I FOUND A ROOM!!! I AM SO EXCITED!!! I AM MOVING OUT OF MY PARENTS and GRANDPARENTS HOUSE!!! YES!!! I AM SOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO EXCITED! CAN YOU FEEL THE POWER???
Wednesday, December 19
Do you ever just wish you could close your eyes and see into the future? You see, waiting for things is the hardest thing for me to do...before I read a book, I read the last chapter...suspense doesn't work good for me...it drives me bannanas. Now, in life I am going crazy...you see, I really love Kevin, but I have loved before and gotten hurt. I do not want that to happen again. I just wish that before I put all of my love, hope, commitment, and heart into our relationship that I knew it was going to last. I just want to know that in a week he isn't going to go out get drunk and fuck some stupid girl...Not that I assume he will do that, but who knows...I don't want to hurt anymore. I want to love him, but I fear that in the end, I will be hurt just like every time before this. I mean sure he is different, but in many ways he resembles those that have hurt me...what am I to think?