I am so sad I want to cry, but I can't. So tired I want to sleep, but I sit awake. So depressed that I just want to run away, but my legs wont run, so angry that I am sad. So sad that I want to cry, but I can't. It's the story of my life one vicious cycle. I want to run and hide, but life makes me stay. It’s odd that people think my life is so good and yet I feel like this inside. I should play hide and seek more frequently. If I am this good at hiding my emotions, can you imagine how great I must be at hiding other things?
I am crying inside and no one knows it. For the first time ever though, I think someone saw it. Seth, we call him Smokey at work. I think he has a crush on me…who knows though. Anyway, he saw it. We were talking about when we were going to go shopping (because I am going to get him a discount). Suddenly, mid-sentence he looks deeply into my eyes and says, “are you ok?” I answer with that “of course” head nod. He doesn’t seem to buy it though, he continues to pry until I think I might cry, then it happens I bust. I tell him everything. I mean everything; I start from nowhere and end with the whole thing. I even cried. My own father hasn’t seen me cry for quite some time yet this stranger gets me to talk. It’s odd you know, how I will tell a stranger everything and yet I am afraid to whisper a syllable to my family or loved ones? Do you get it? I certainly do not!
I don't understand anything right now...I never seem to sleep, but when I do I am bothered. Last night I had a wretched dream about Paul so bad in fact that I awoke crying. I don't know why I am dreaming of Paul; perhaps because I spoke to Matt the other day he always seems to make me think of Paul or maybe because I am using the "L" word again. Paul was the last person I said it to. I miss Matt too. He seems to have a wonderful girlfriend now. That makes me happy. Matt deserves a great girl. He is a special boy, any girl that snags him is a lucky one…speaking of Matt, I wonder how his ex Shannon is doing…hum…Who knows...
I am so stressed out. I have far too much on my plate. I have too much going on, and not enough time or brainpower...or anything. I have to get Christmas presents and I have to make masses of money, although I don't have to make the money for Canada anymore, which will help a bit. Kevin gave in to persuasion. He smoked. That makes me no longer legally bound to going. Therefore, I am not at least I don't think I will be. I just don't think I will be comfortable there. Plus having to save that money is hard and do I really want to be that girl...you know...the one grandma and pa had to pay for so she could go on the family vacation and ruin it? Yeah, no…I don't want to be that girl.
I miss my best friend. He...John, he's my everything. I love him more than most things in life. To tell you the truth, I love John more than Kevin but in a different way. Anyway, John ranks right up there with family just like Rachael, they are the only two that aren’t blood that are up there it’s a happy place! I just wish things could go back to normal between us. John, he is my best friend. I care for him and I miss him a lot. If any of you talk to him, please try to figure out what is going on, because I just want my best friend back!
Well, I have to go to church with Kevin tomorrow…I should at least try to sleep…Wish me luck!
